I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I would ride that face into the sunset
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
