Soap is not a condiment
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
