Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
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When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
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All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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