Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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