I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
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Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
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Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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