Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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