He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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