How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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