You can't special order awesome
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
