put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
