At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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