I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
