There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
