i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
