im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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