Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
