I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
