Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I am never drinking with the goths again.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
