i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
