I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
