Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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