I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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