Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
