she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
