Your mouth is God's brothel.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
