1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
