Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I did not marry a roomba.
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