I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
