he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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