I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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