You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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