i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
