There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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