Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
