you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
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Operation Purity has been aborted
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
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She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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