Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
