dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
