Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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