I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
