I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize