I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
