So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
