He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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