got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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