If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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