I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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