At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
