spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
