Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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