Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
