My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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