I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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