Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
