I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
