i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The air taste purple.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
