I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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