Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
