I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
