I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
